“God of mercy
Sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design.
May this offering stretch across the sky
And these hallelujahs be multiplied.”
Multiplied is one of my favorite songs right now. I think it just really expresses where I am at emotionally/spiritually these days.
My little family is really going through a difficult trial right now, (if you haven’t read the back story, you can find it here) and life can really be a roller coaster. I have days where my faith is strong, and days where I lie on the couch and cry because I feel so broken and weak. But overall, I would say that my heart could repeat the words of that song and mean them.
I have surrendered to Your design.
I have sung those words countless times. Even before any of this had happened to us, I sang them. I thought that I meant them, but now with my literal life and the life of my unborn son hanging in the balance, I swallow hard before I repeat them.
Have I truly surrendered to His design?
Do I really trust that His way is best?
Even if that means my baby boy dies and I do too? Or if God chooses to spare me but takes my child, will I still sing His praise?
Will He still be good?
If He allows my child to be born in the next few days and I watch him fight for his life in the NICU, with chords and tubes covering his tiny body, will my trust still firmly rest in the Rock that is higher than I? If I watch Elijah breathe his last in a glass incubator, never getting to see his older brother or the sky or his grandparents, will my heart still say “hallelujah?”
These are the questions that create a lump so big in my throat that those words stop short. I chew them and taste the weight of the meaning they hold.
Then I sing them.
Why? Because I am a super Christian who has the faith to move mountains?
If you could see my heart, you would be struck by just how weak I am. By how many times the words “Why, Father?” are whispered in a prayer. By how many times I clench my jaw in rebellion, thinking that somehow my resistance to the grief that could soon take over my heart will make it all better. That somehow I can change God’s plan.
But He is so loving. So patient with me. He lets me fight and wrestle and kick my feet in defiance. Then He tenderly changes my focus, turns my eyes upwards and gives me a glimpse of His perspective.
“Set your mind on the things above,
not on the things that are on earth.”
Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
The Lord has brought me to such a place of surrender. Partly because I have no choice (ha) and I can’t control what happens to me or Eli. And partly because of the every day choice He is calling me to make. The choice to say “I trust You” even when I feel so anxious.
When my perspective is an eternal one, the trials of this earthly life don’t seem so overwhelming. I remember that my life is just a vapor, and I want to make it count. I want this life I’ve been given to be an offering that causes people to say “God be praised.”
“May this offering stretch across the skies,
and these hallelujahs be multiplied”
(“Multiplied” by NEEDTOBREATHE)
7 thoughts on “These Hallelujahs Be Multiplied”
I am continuing to pray for you and your precious baby!
Your faith is incredible and you are witnessing to thousands! You are amazing and you are human with human feelings. Continue to listen and lean on God. His will be done and may you have the strength to accept it. I continue to pray for you and Eli and I pray God gives you strength and peace.
I love this…It is definitely in our weakest moments when Jesus shines the brightest. This is such a mystery…but Christ in you, your hope of glory. Blessings dear one, many are praying for you and baby Eli.
praying, my sister. I have not lived your pain and I will not pretend to know what you are feeling, but I have felt loss of child and I have felt the weight of those words and yes! A thousand times yes, He is still good though it hurts to praise Him. Though in my brokenness I cried out thousands of times, why? He is enough! He is enough. He is. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweet sister in Christ. You are loved and in those weak moments, we are here to hold you–to let you cry out why and then with tenderness to point you to the cross. He has you in His hands and He will not let you go. Nothing can separate you from His love. I love you. I do not know you, but my heart swells with love for you and little Eli and your family. God bless you!
Thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for your honesty.
“When my perspective is an eternal one, the trials of this earthly life don’t seem so overwhelming. I remember that my life is just a vapor, and I want to make it count. I want this life I’ve been given to be an offering that causes people to say “God be praised.” ” – THIS!!
[…] here and […]