I paced back and forth. I distracted myself by doing some dishes. Three minutes never felt so long. I finally walked back into the bathroom and slowly looked down at the test.
Two pink lines.
I was pregnant. I was PREGNANT. I did a happy dance around the bathroom as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t wait to tell Chris when he got home.
He was so surprised and we hugged and laughed and stared at each other in shock. We were going to be parents!! We then began discussing when we should tell family and friends.
We were headed out of town that evening to see my family in Chattanooga. My little sister was graduating from high school and the whole family would be there.
“Do you think we could tell them, or should we wait?”
We decided on the way that we would tell them and Chris’ family, but no one else until later. After all, what if we lost the baby?
Well we did lose the baby. The morning after I told my family, I woke up bleeding and we rushed to the emergency room. There was nothing they could do. This kind of thing is very common, the doctor told me.
Common, maybe. But that day my baby died. And it didn’t matter that I had only known about him/her for a few days, I loved that child. And now he was gone.
I cried for several days straight. As time passed, it slowly got better. But there were painful little reminders everywhere I went, it seemed. I attended my sister-in-law’s baby shower and I was so excited about welcoming their precious little girl into the world, but at the same time I had to swallow hard thinking about the little life that would never be welcomed with a shower in his or her preparation.
I wondered if it would have been a boy or a girl. What would he have grown up to be? Would he have looked like me or Chris? The grief I felt was real.
A life had been lost.
And no one but a few close friends and family knew. Miscarriages are common and hush-hush, after all. It’s not the same as losing a real baby.
That’s when it all began to hit me.
Why in the world do we wait in sharing our pregnancy news?! Does it make it more of a “real baby” after the 12 week mark? Or is it more the fear that after we share our happy news that we will have to re-send out sad news that we lost the child?
But aren’t we grieving anyway?
If we as Christians truly believe that life begins at conception, why don’t we grieve as a community when we lose a child in utero? Doesn’t that child deserve just as much love and grief as a child we lose outside of the womb?
I feel that the views our culture holds on pregnancy and children has seeped into our minds without us knowing it. We have been deceived into feeling that a baby really isn’t a baby until after a certain point of development. That cluster of cells isn’t a person.
But that “cluster of cells” resembles a human and has a heartbeat after just two weeks. At a month old you can see arms and legs on an ultrasound. That is a baby. An image bearer of God Most High (Gen.1:26-27).
“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
So why do we feel the need to keep it a secret that we are carrying a child until our chances of losing that child are smaller? Regardless of the timing, a life is still lost.
I think it’s time for us to turn the tide. If we are Christians, and truly believe that life begins at conception, what is there to fear? If more people started sharing they were expecting earlier, do you think it could have an impact on our culture and how we view pregnancy and life inside the womb? Are we willing to embrace the uncomfortable to truly walk in what we believe about conception and life?
“We cannot diminish the value of one category of human life without diminishing the value of all human life.” – Ronald Reagan
This topic has been heavy on my heart for months, and I’ve been wrestling and reasoning through it and I have decided to really start thinking about this in light of what I believe from Scripture, and no longer let my culture shape the way I think.
Will you join me?
The Carolina Farmhouse 
I lost my first baby too Courtney. I feel your pain. But just like you , few months later I got pregnant with Mallory. We married in 1964 had Mallory in 1967. Just like Rhett, Mallory has been our joy!! A son is closes to his Mom’s heart. The daughters are Dad’s little girl’s. As Rhett gets older you will see that. He will do thing with Dad, but he will bond with you. Like you, I grieved over the ‘lost one!” It still bothers me deeply, always will. That’s a Mothers heart. God bless you. Always stay close to your children. Start praying RIGHT NOW for his mate. For God to prepare her Godly principles in life to be Rhett’s wife one day. Look at the spouses of my children. And your dad’s wife. I prayed hard. Fought demons of every kind. Still do. Be a prayer warrior of your family. Leave it to our Lord to do His job. While you have Rhett at home…. Do your job at teaching. Living the example. Love you sweet girl. You are doing an EXCELLENT JOB!! Aunt Kay
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We went through a similar situation. We didn’t have time to tell anyone Erin was pregnant. She told me the night she took the test then a few days later she started bleeding heavily and went to the doctor for blood tests. Her numbers never went up. Nothing formed in the area shown in the ultra sound. There was a term for it which i don’t remember, but it meant it basically meant it was a false pregnancy. It proved to be very hard on Erin, but it has allowed her to comfort others at our church that have miss carried. I know it was very hard on her seeing everyone having babies on facebook. Looking back we have viewed it as God knowing that wasn’t the right time for us to be Pregnant, and when we became pregnant with Finley it was the perfect time for us. Erin was able to stay home with him for 4 months instead of 6 week, Erin was finished with a very stressful year of teaching which decided whether she would be able to continue teaching (2nd year of teaching the teachers have to go through an evaluation process.) We follow your sons growth as he is a few weeks ahead of Finley.
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Thank you for sharing. It really is such a hard thing to go through, and I feel that a lot of people just bear it alone when it’s not necessary. We as the body of Christ need each other!!
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thank you for sharing your heart on this, Courtney! I have been thinking about this very topic for quite a while (like, more than a year). You said it perfectly, “Does it make it more of a “real baby” after the 12 week mark?” I was wondering about this and wrestling with it. I believe that we, as Christians, should rejoice together, and we should grieve together.
Anyways, thanks for sharing your heart. I so enjoy reading your posts! You are such an encouragement and inspiration. =)
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Aww, thank you! I appreciate that. 🙂
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has been thinking about this. I feel it is such an important issue.
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Hey Courtney 🙂
Thanks for this post. I cried through a lot of it. It is right on.
I have a beautiful little 3 year old girl. And since her birth I have had 3 miscarriages.
With the last one, a few weeks ago, we asked our church family for prayer as soon as I found out I was pregnant. There was joy and tears and a lot of love given to me. And when I miscarried her a few days later, my brothers and sisters gave me hugs and supported me.
Share pregnancy with everyone who will be there for you and pray for you even if you lose that sweet little one.
It doesn’t matter how long that child existed. He or she matters. I named each of them and I also have a blanket for each one.
Thanks for writing this :-). And I love you Courtney – and miss you a bunch!
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Jenna,
My heart just broke for you when I read this. I am SO sorry sweet friend for your losses. I can’t imagine losing 3 little ones. I am so thankful you had your church family there to help you through the grief. I think that is so important.
Love you!!
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Jenna: Our story sounds so familiar to yours, and my heart breaks to hear of your losses. We too have a 3 year old, and following her uneventful pregnancy, we lost three precious babes to miscarriage as well. I want to encourage you in saying that the Lord has blessed us with another beautiful daughter that I carried full term this past March, and he has been using our story of loss to be an encouragement to others who are walking such a difficult road. I’m so glad to hear you named your children. We did too, and it has been a huge source of comfort and acknowledgement of their lives. Prayers to you as you navigate what’s next.
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My daughter has been pregnant three times in two years and lost all three babies. My heart breaks for her as she struggles with each disappointment and I’ve watched a closing-in of her emotions with each pregnancy to the point that she doesn’t want to even acknowledge the baby until….I don’t really know when now. The first baby lived 8 weeks and the other two lived 7 and 5 weeks, respectively. With each pregnancy I was asked not to share the news with anyone so instead I wrote in a journal to the baby. I was able to share my joy, my dreams, my awe of God’s precious handiwork as each day He fashioned my grandchild in my daughter’s womb. But I would have also loved to share these things with dear friends and enjoyed drawing closer as fellow grandmas. And so because I was isolated in the joy I was also isolated in the grief of each death. No one to come alongside me, and my daughter and I weren’t even able to comfort one another because to acknowledge my pain to her served only to increase hers. We have become a society that wants to avoid pain at all cost. But I think the cost is too high because of the walls it creates even among people who love each other. My greatest desire would be to shout with joy and celebrate each new pregnancy with as many friends and family as possible. And in the event of another rebirth death, we could cry and hold one another through the grief. But that’s just me….
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That is so so hard. I am so sorry for the grief you have both had to bear alone. That’s a hard place to be when you want to share the news, but she is scared to endure the pain publicly. So hard.
I completely agree that our culture wants to avoid the painful and difficult. Maybe we can help change that though!!
Thanks for sharing your heart. You and your daughter are in my prayers!
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*prebirth
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Thank you Sweetie. And you are in mine.
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I stumbled across your blog this morning and it really had an impact on me. Pregnancy has been on my mind a great deal lately. My husband and I lost our first child, Joses, in June. After spending a wonderful ten months with me, our little one was stillborn due to a birth defect known as Anencephaly. We thought we had a perfectly healthy baby until about 20 weeks. When I first found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks, I tried to keep it a secret from many except for our immediate families and wanted to wait until twelve weeks when we had an ultrasound. My husband told me that if it was up to him, he would tell everyone so that we could have prayers but I didn’t want everyone to know if we lost a baby. Twelve weeks came and thinking we were in the clear, I announced it happily to everyone! At 20 weeks, when we found out that we were going to lose Joses, we reached out and told everyone because we coveted their prayers. Prayers and the comfort others have given has been one of the main things that has given us peace and kept us sane during this loss. We have been told that we should be fine to get pregnant again. This time, if we are blessed with another, I want the prayers and the support of all that have grieved with us so that they can rejoice with us. Your blog helped remind me of that! God designed his Church to be a comfort and support. You never know how long you have with your little one. Every moment of that life is precious and it should be celebrated. Thank you so much for your insightful post!
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Oh my goodness, Megan. I teared up reading this. What a heartbreaking thing to lose your precious Joses! I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that was.
I couldn’t agree more. We need prayer as individuals, how much more when we are carrying a little life being formed within us!!
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I had a very different experience. My husband and I tried for almost 2 years to conceive but due to some medical issues, I couldn’t get pregnant. Our family and close friends knew about our struggle. Three months after being put on fertility medication, I finally got the news I had been waiting for. August 28, 2012, the day I found out I was pregnant, I became a mom. My husband and I didn’t wait more than 24 hours to share our news. Our family had been praying with us for such a long time, they deserved to know as soon as we did. We have been blessed with a wonderful baby girl and thank God for her every day.
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What a beautiful story!! I am so thankful you have a little blessing now to hold in your arms! Thank you for sharing Kathryn. 🙂
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I just found your blog. I have had two miscarriages. The first at 12 weeks, my first child when I was in my early 20’s. I still mourn this baby on the due date 20 years later. The doctors and nurses I saw at this time seemed very cold and uncaring. I went on to have 3 healthy children after the first miscarriage. Then I had a second miscarriage at 15 1/2 weeks. I had seen this little baby’s heart beat on the ultrasound at 12 weeks and everything seemed great. This time I was far enough along that I had to deliver my dead baby, instead of a D&C. The difference of caring from doctors from 1994 to 2011 was amazing. They treated me like I had lost a baby, instead of a “bunch of cells” . My co-workers, family and friends and people from church were very supportive of both my husband and I. I now routinely give little gifts to friends or coworkers that have miscarried, just so they know somebody cares. I give out a small pottery bowl with the word “hope” on it and a bag of chocolate “Hugs”. Sometimes just having someone their to cry with you or drown your sorrow in chocolate helps. I went on to have one more baby, a little girl that is now 2.
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Tanya, my heart just breaks for you and the loss of your two babies! I am so sorry. What blesses me is you turned the pain you went through into empathy towards others. You know what they are going through and you care! I’m sure that means the world to them! Thank you for doing that and for sharing your thoughts and story!
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Thank you for this post. I have lost at least 6 babies in the first trimester (and we suspect 2 more in which pregnancies were not confirmed), and I agree that we should share, especially WIth those who we know will pray for & support us. I have a beautiful 2 year old and am currently 28 weeks into a very high risk pregnancy with another little girl, but we now share our news loud & early. I want to celebrate each of my children for existing, and if that means also growing for them then so be it. Thankfully we have had a very supportive church & group of family & friends. Because of my openness people come to me , and l am able to reach out to lonely mothers in some of their hardest times to counsel them & be an understanding shoulder to cry onor just offer a hug. l feel that my babies lives had a purpose & that it was to make me a more empathetic & caring person & to make me really appreciate all life and all of God’s gifts more fully.
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Amanda, I am so very sorry for the loss of so many of your children! I can’t even begin to imagine the heartbreak. But I am so thankful to hear of your 2 year old and now precious baby girl in utero! I’ll be praying for her to grow and be born into this world a healthy little girl! Thanks for sharing your story!
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We lost our 2nd child @ about 2 months. The labor was intense. My husband built a small coffin and we invited close friends and our pastor. We named our tiny baby & had a small funeral. I look forward to meeting in Heaven. People prayed for us & shared our grief. Later, their were others- earlier-we never saw the bodies- just the positive test results. But the disappointment was real. We named each one, but felt awkward to tell others. In a way, it was as though I was failing to do something right since I lost more than one.
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What a precious way to remember that 2nd child. I know it does seem harder to find ways to honor the lives of babies lost early on…who are too tiny to be seen. But the Lord sees. And He loves them just as much as we do. And there is NOTHING you did wrong!
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One thing positive these miscarriages did for me was to establish a familial contact with Heaven, if I can word it that way. When I later worried that I might die, the thought of meeting those children whom I had lost, gave death a positive twist I had not experienced quite that way before. As the prophet David said, I cannot bring him back to me, but I will go to be with him. Thus he dealt with his grief and loss. This, of course, applies only to those who, like David, can say, “Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute sin” (Psalm 32:2, Romans 4:6-8).
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Thank you for sharing this. I love your insight. I now wish I hadn’t kept my angels quiet, because they are just as precious as my other children! I just stumbled upon your blog….what a great find! You’ve literally brought tears to my eyes in each article I’ve read so far! God bless you!
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Jo, thank you SO much for the encouragement! I am thankful you have been blessed. And I am so sorry for your losses…I love the way you put it “my angels.” That’s a precious perspective.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can so agree with you, having had three miscarriages in the early stage of my pregnancies. I am thankful I did not keep silent about expecting. After my first loss, during church someone prayed for us concerning the loss of our child. We had one child already, so it was a confusing moment for some, but it meant so much to me. This man was acknowledging the life of our unborn child. This led to many others acknowledging our baby’s life, and comforting us in our loss. Many who had also experienced miscarriage were able share in our grief while also remembering their own children they could not raise. It blessed my heart in a deep way, and thank God I was able to receive comfort from others, as well as have these tiny lives recognized.
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That is so precious! It really does help to have people grieve and comfort you when you go through losing a child. We need each other! Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry for the loss of your little ones!
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I had 2 miscarriages in the past year and I understand both the desire for support and the desire for secrecy. When the baby’s heart was failing I sought out prayer from church friends and when he didn’t make it my friend was with me as I cried unexpectedly during a women’s night surrounded by pregnant women.
However, miscarriage isn’t just about grieving a human life, it also included blood and pain and hormone tests. I found I didn’t want to share, particularly to men, that I was bleeding. Furthermore, it took me MONTHS to where I could openly talk without crying. I’ve told more people, now that I can control my emotions. Being a private person, I found it difficult to speak even though I wanted people to know.
All that said, I am currently 4 weeks along and will be telling many people right away, because support and prayers really are so valuable!
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LJ,
I think you have a great point. I am also a private person and it is sometimes very hard for me to share things so personal with people. I think each woman should do what the Lord leads her to do and what her heart can handle! But I am thankful for the precious baby being formed within you right now! I am praying for him/her now!
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I very much agree with you, an early loss is still a loss. We always tell our family members quite early on because we need love and support. Very respectfully- however an early loss is not quite the same as losing a full term living child. I’ve had both an early miscarriage and just recently in April gave birth to a perfect 9 pound full term chubby baby who only lived a half hour due to undiagnosed heart defects. We had no idea it was coming and it was devastating. I think your point here is to have compassion and empathy for all women, those who have losses and struggle with infertility alike, and I wholeheartedly agree with you. But having lived through both experiences, losing my full term baby was infinitely times a trillion to the billionth power more heartbreaking/sad/horrible/traumatic than suffering a miscarriage. Every story is different, but that is mine.
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Micci,
I just teared up…I am SO sorry for both of your losses, but I cannot imagine what a heart-wrenching experience losing your precious baby in April was. I’m crying just thinking about it. I think you have a valid point…I’ve never walked that road, and yes ALL life is to be appreciated and grieved over when lost, but I do think there can be different levels of grief. And that sounds almost unbearable. I am so so sorry.
I am praying for your heart to heal and for your grief to become easier. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story!
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Many women in my family have had problems getting and staying pregnant. I knew it was a very real possibility that I could follow along with them. My first pregnancy, which we conceived after 2 years of trying was almost text book perfect, except delivery. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl, but it did a number on me, with a much longer recovery than normal. Fast forward one year, my husband and I had just discussed that it was a good time to start trying for a second child. Little did I know at that time I was already pregnant. As soon as we found out, we told everyone. A week later, I started spotting, but did not think much of it since I had spotted with my first pregnancy and it went well. We went to out first appointment and no heartbeat. I opted for a natural miscarriage since the thought of a D&C did not sit well with me. When the miscarriage actually occurred 2 weeks later, I was very fortunate that I had friends that knew about the miscarriage since my family was so far away and my husband works an hour away. I had complications with the miscarriage and I had friends who were able to take me to the hospital and watch my little girl. If we hadn’t told anyone of the pregnancy, I don’t know how I would have explained the situation to anyone in the state I was in. Though we lost this precious second child, it was discovered through all the ultrasounds that I had a very large cyst on my ovary.. 5cm… turned out to be endrometriosis. Since the endrometriosis was caught early and was able to be removed, the doctor thought that it should not hinder future pregnancies. If I hadn’t of had that miscarriage, the endometriosis could have gotten a lot worse. Well, 9 months after the surgery, I found out I was pregnant again. We are currently 12 weeks and everything looks wonderful. We did wait to tell (expect for close friends – for prayer) until we had a heartbeat on the monitor with this pregnancy.
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Wow. I can’t imagine how exciting it was to finally be pregnant after trying for 2 years! I’m so thankful you had a wonderful pregnancy, and I totally understand the hard labor part…I had a very difficult labor with my son.
I am so sorry for your loss though. It is so difficult to go through, but I am thankful you had friends and family around you!! And also wow! So thankful the Lord “works all things together for good” (Romans 8:28) and they found that cyst! And congrats on that sweet baby growing inside of you now!! I’m praying right now for him/her to grow and be a healthy baby!!
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Sorry but I disagree with you:-) I have lost 2 babies to miscarriage. My first I had told only my sister…. I lost the angel baby at 8 wks.. My 2nd I told the public at around ten wks figuring I was “safe”. I lost that baby at 16 weeks.. not knowing it had stopped growing 5 wks b4. And my 2nd time was waaaay harder… Try explain to someone that no you aren’t pregnant anymore… Esp if you don’t really want to talk about it at the time… I waited for a LONG time with my next pregnancy.. I was already showing… A lot of people guessed but so what! When I was ready I would tell and not a moment b4! So really it’s all a matter of what YOU decide. If you want to tell at 4 wks prego & possibly explain to well meaning well wishers that you lost your baby go ahead. But don’t judge us who keep it guarded in our hearts for awhile.. I still marvel at the miracle inside me…reading how big it is and daydream for the day when I can hold the child at last. But after losing 2 angel babies I am cautiously hopeful.. And yes I am a happy mommy to 2 little girls 🙂 Pregnancy amazes me. So I just quietly marvel in my own mind and heart for a month or 2.
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It’s okay. You aren’t required to agree with me! 🙂
The LAST thing I want is for you or any other woman to feel judged or guilty if you don’t want to share your pregnancy news early. I do agree that it’s a personal choice as to the timing of when you share. I just feel that as a general rule, a lot of women who have miscarried benefitted when others knew and could be a support system for them. Having to deal with that grief alone is a lot to handle. But not every woman is that way. And that is okay!
I’m so sorry that you lost two sweet babies and for your grief! But I am also thankful to hear of your two little girls. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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Thank you so much for writing this! It’s exactly how I feel! In the last yr I went through 2 miscarriages. The 1st was at 6.5 wks, and no one knew. It was hard to tell our family & friends, but they were all very caring. The 2nd time we told early on to our family & close friends, so they could pray with us. I didn’t find out till 12 wks that my little had gone at 8wks. Which must have happened shortly after my appt at 8wks, because we had heard a good heartbeat and got ultrasound pictures. It was so hard, but I was so glad our family & friends knew. Word spread quickly at our church & they cared for us in a way that was such a balm to our aching hearts! I agree that each couple needs to feel comfortable when they want to tell, but we found it much easier to have prayer support thru those 1st weeks!As I write, I’m 7.5 wks pregnant again. Once more we have told our families & a few close friends. I’m waiting till my ultrasound at 9 wks let it totally out…. 🙂 I would love a post on pregnancy after miscarriages. How to get through each day. ( I could use some encouragement) the days are dragging by! If you know of any good reads or post one, please let me know! Thanks again for this post!
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Thank you for a great article. I had a miscarriage almost 4 years ago. We told only our parents and very close friends. It was the worst time of my life. I could not understand why God would take a baby away from us that we had wanted so badly. But, I was miraculously pregnant again a week later and gave birth to beautiful girl and then a boy 20 months later. They are my world. But not a day goes by that I do not think of that baby we lost. The worst part is, is because we did not share that pregnancy then, we still don’t talk about it now. It’s very hard for me to talk about (much easier to write about :)) but I think if we didn’t make miscarriages so “common” and treated them as they are, more women would feel comfortable grieving publicly.
Thank you again for sharing your experience.
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I couldn’t agree more. No one seems to view miscarriages as the loss of a CHILD. The parents who are dealing with that loss need prayers, comfort and for you to be understanding of them.
I’m so sorry for your loss! But I’m so thankful you have two little blessings now! 🙂
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Thank you so much for writing this! It’s exactly how I feel! In the last yr I went through 2 miscarriages. The 1st was at 6.5 wks, and no one knew. It was hard to tell our family & friends, but they were all very caring. The 2nd time we told early on to our family & close friends, so they could pray with us. I didn’t find out till 12 wks that my little had gone at 8wks. Which must have happened shortly after my appt at 8wks, because we had heard a good heartbeat and got ultrasound pictures. It was so hard, but I was so glad our family & friends knew. Word spread quickly at our church & they cared for us in a way that was such a balm to our aching hearts! I agree that each couple needs to feel comfortable when they want to tell, but we found it much easier to have prayer support thru those 1st weeks!
As I write, I’m 7.5 wks pregnant again. Once more we have told our families & a few close friends. I’m waiting till my ultrasound at 9 wks let it totally out…. 🙂 I would love a post on pregnancy after miscarriages. How to get through each day. ( I could use some encouragement) the days are dragging by! If you know of any good reads or post one, please let me know! Thanks again for this post!
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I think what you said is great, it is up to each couple what they share, but for us it was SO beneficial to have our family and friends praying. I wish more people would have known though.
I thought your idea was great, so today on the blog I shared a post on how to survive pregnancy after a miscarriage! I hope it encourages you and I’ll be praying for you and your growing little one!
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I just stumbled upon this today and it struck a chord with me. My husband and I lost our little girl (we found out after the fact she was a girl) somewhere around 10 weeks. But we didn’t find out we had lost her until we went to the doctor at 13 weeks for a regular checkup and they discovered a “missed miscarriage.” We had only told close family and friends, but I was bursting at the seams to tell more people.
A few months later, we were pregnant again. I’m now 24 weeks, but we didn’t announce the news to anyone besides our parents until we were 17 weeks and found out we were having a girl. At the time, I felt like that’s what we had to do…keep it a secret. I wasn’t even excited to tell anyone. But I often felt guilty and felt as though I wasn’t giving this baby as much attention and recognition as I did the first baby that we ultimately lost. I often found myself trying to not get too attached to this pregnancy. But then my mom told me one day that this baby deserved love and excitement, too.
Thank you for this post. Even though I can’t change the fact that we kept this baby a secret until we were pretty far along, it still resonates.
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I can SO resonate with your feelings of apprehension in sharing the news. And also in not feeling as excited with the second pregnancy. I think I struggled with detaching myself, because I was so afraid of going through that heartbreak again. Check out my post I shared today Surviving Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, I hope it encourages you!! I’ll be praying for you and that sweet baby!
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I read this an cried through every word. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 7 months when we finally conceived. He has been out of town during the week 3 hours away from our home. As soon as i saw those two pink lines I hopped in the car with our son and drove straight to tell him the news. I miscarried exactly 39 days ago and I still haven’t healed from it, but reading your experience makes it me feel just a little better knowing that I’m not alone in this. My sister told me just a few days ago that she is pregnant and I tried with everything in me to sound sincerely happy for her, but it was just a reminder that I never even shared my news with her, and now it’s too late. I hope that God will bless us with another blessing soon, and this time I’m not waiting a second to tell everyone I love. As you said, Every life should be celebrated. Thank you…
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Julie, I am so sorry for your loss!! It is a devastating thing to go through, but be encouraged that you will heal. The mother’s heart you have for your baby never will, but it does become easier. I’m so sorry you were so alone in this. And I pray that the Lord will bless you with another little one soon!!
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I couldn’t agree more. We need to mourn the loss as a community. I had several miscarriages and I was happy that my close friends and family knew and were there to support me. I was also glad that they got to share in our joy over the pregnancies. After my second miscarriage my husband’s grandmother said we shouldn’t announce it so soon since something might happen. Well it happens with or without an announcement. I think it’s a generational thing since previous generations never talked about anything that wasn’t perfect.
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I agree with that as well. I think as each generation made it more and more “hush-hush” it began to change the way we view the loss of a baby early on. We can change that though 😉 I’m so sorry for your losses!!
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I love this. I did not share the news publicly only with my family. My husband and I tried for a baby for 2 1/2 years. We finally convinced and the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. We found out at 12 weeks. We were gonna find out the gender and announce our pregnancy on father’s day when I would have been 14 weeks.
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Heather, this just broke my heart. I am SO sorry for the loss of your little one! What a heartbreaking thing that you wanted to share on Father’s Day. 😦
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Miscarriage could be a sign of Celiac Disease. Please check out http://www.cureceliacdisease.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/CDCFactSheets10_SymptomList.pdf
You do not need to have other symptoms. I have two children with CD. One had symptoms and the other had no obvious signs. Only 15% of individuals with Celiac Disease are diagnosed. A simple blood test can begin the diagnosis process.Spread the word, perhaps preventing someone else the pain of losing a baby. I am so sorry for your loss.
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I went through 3 miscarriages in 2007. All were around the 12 week mark and we had seen their heartbeats earlier in the pregnancies. We announced the pregnancy of our first angel at Christmas, while I was only 7 weeks along. My husband’s sister was jealous and fled the room in tears because they had tried for 2 months and hadn’t conceived yet. The rest of the family chose to comfort her and ignore our announcement, except for his grandmother who informed us it was way too early to be telling anyone. The other 2 babies, we told our families when we found out we had lost them. It took us 2 years to finally have our rainbow baby and make our daughter a big sister. During that time, we watched almost everyone around us have their second children (we had all had our first together). At one point, my mother in law told us we were “obsessed with having a baby and needed to just knock it off”. We were told by the ob that we fired that it was our fault the babies died because I was still nursing our older child. Time after time, the people we thought we could trust took the opportunity to kick us when we were already down. We found little support or understanding among the people we knew because they were either our age and hadn’t experienced a loss like that, or they were older and considered it to be just a hazard of pregnancy. We did go on to finally have 3 more children. We waited to tell family till well past the halfway point in the pregnancies, until I couldn’t possibly hide it any longer. We gave serious discussion to not telling anyone about our youngest till after she was born because of the unsupportive attitudes we came across, what with having “too many” children now that we were adding a 4th. We kept quiet not because we didn’t see value in our unborn children’s lives, but because of the immense value we felt. It hurt to have other people react like our babies didn’t matter or weren’t worth announcing. They were our babies from the moment we knew of their existence! I have great comfort knowing that they are home with our Lord now, that is one of the only things that got me out of bed and helped me from sinking past the point of no return in depression. Our living children know that they have 3 siblings in Heaven and that they will see them someday when they too are there.
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Kris, this made me so sad. What an awful situation to go through! I will never understand why people don’t support pregnancy and having a lot of babies. God says children are a BLESSING. We as a culture have a messed up view of these precious little lives. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but good for ya’ll staying strong, valuing your babies and continuing to have more! 🙂
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i suffered from 3 miscarriages before we had our son. each time i would get to 8 weeks or so and miscarry. the only people that knew i was pregnant were immediate family. i personally am glad i didnt announce my pregnancies to friends or people on FB. it was bad enough having my immediate family ask me how i was feeling and me having to tell them i miscarried. that doesn’t mean i didn’t let friends or others know i miscarried, it just means i didn’t have to deal with the “congrats!” or the “how are you feeling? do you have morning sickness?” etc. it was hard enough to deal with the loss.
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Giovanna, that is a very valid point. I think it’s important to have your family and close friends walk through it with you, but it doesn’t have to be announced to Facebook is that’s not something the couple is comfortable with!
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Wow. You have hit some really good points. I have been in different areas of this topic.
I had 6 normal, healthy pregnancies. We shared our happy news early in our pregnancy each time. For the first 3 babies, many were happy for us, as we expected.
THEN, came the unnecessary, unkind responses as the later pregnancies were announced.
You know…
“don’t you know what causes that?…
you need to get a TV or a hobby…
are you going to have more?”
Well, we thought we were done. Then I got pregnant again. It was unexpected. We waited to announce anything until I was 13 wks. Later that week I found out we lost the baby. Our church was very supportive.
Again, we got pregnant. I waited until 12 wks, then announced. Sadly, at 16 wks, we lost him. Our church was incredible, except…
when it came to me taking too much time to grieve…
until they decided that we needed to know that we might be ignoring God’s will for our lives…
that these losses were His way of telling us to be thankful and satisfied w/ what He’d given us… that my husband should protect me from further hurt by getting a v-sectomy.
Another pregnancy, we made no announcement. Sadly, at 12 wks we lost again. Although, we grieved privately, it was strangely easier.
Again, another pregnancy and loss. No announcement, private grief.
I was sent to a reproductive endocrinologist who proclaimed me healthy, except for some bizarre uterine nodules which were removed.
Another early pregnancy, loss, and grief.
And another loss.
SIX LOSSES? Who goes through that and remains sane? God was faithful. His grace was sufficient.
Then, God blessed us w/ a “rainbow baby”… our beautiful blessing after 2 1/2 yrs of tears and rain and storms. We announced at 16 wks. Everyone shared our joy at her birth.
I lost again at 5 wks, then had a baby sister for all of the kids.
I lost again at 5 wks.
Then, surprisingly conceived again, though in my mid 40s… and lost her at 14 wks.
My conclusion? Those who are closest to you and love you the most (like your church family) can hurt you and disappoint you the most w/ their words. OR, hopefully they can bless you w/ their words. They are all human… have that in mind. They are all works in progress, just like me.
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Wow, I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you went through after losing all of those precious babies! I am also sorry that your “support” system was not that at all…but rather the opposite. People can be really hurtful with their words to people who are grieving…I don’t understand that. But like you said, we are all works in progress! 🙂
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Hope all all is better now! Tho, I cannot understand your sorrow, I pray for your disappointment in the life you wanted. God always knows best & we as people have to know that He is the creater of life & His will is best for everyone! I’m a mother of 4 & have a miscarriage once, after my first born. God blessed me with 3 more children and tho I remember my disappointment of miscarriage, I know God knew what was best for that child & He is the giver of life! Be thankful for all He has to give & will give abundantly! Peace, Love,Joy Always!
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While I have never been pregnant and honestly don’t know if I ever will be (for personal reasons, not physical) my heart aches for anyone who has been through losing a child at any stage. One of my sisters had a miscarriage several years ago and to my knowledge, only her husband, one of our other sisters and I know about it. And had it not been for a 4 hour car ride during which she kept requesting rest stops did she decide to tell us. I understand people who might not want to share the news right away, although I don’t think that everyone has the same reasons. For myself, if I ever decide to have children, I know myself well enough to know that I will probably need a bit of time to get adjusted to that reality before I would want people congratulating me.
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Thankyou for writing this beautiful truth. I just lost my baby to a miscarriage yesterday and am completely numb right now, but reading this was so powerful and I am thankful for your words. Bless you.
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I am so so sorry for your loss!!! Praying the Lord can comfort your heart in a powerful way today!
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thankyou so very much, your prayers are deeply appreciated ❤
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Keeping a pregnancy close to heart until the riskiest time has passed diminishes neither the value of the life growing within you, nor the depth of grief if your baby passes on. It does, however, provide you with the freedom to share that sorrow with the people of your choosing in your own time.
Our 2 babies were both many years in the making. While we waited to announce our first little girl, we were so excited with our second pregnancy, that we told half the people we know within days of confirmation. Last week, when I lost our baby at 8 weeks, rather than spending the day privately mourning and coming to terms with God’s will for our lives, I was drafting painful emails to family, friends, and coworkers, desperately hoping to shut down the standard, friendly, pregnancy-related inquiries I knew would bring me to tears in public. The messages worked — for the most part — but I’m still dealing with incredibly difficult and awkward calls from people whom heard through a friend that we were expecting.
Having your tiny baby slip through your fingers is a terrible thing. Receiving heartfelt “Congratulations!” the next day at work… I would spare every woman that experience.
I understand your regret, however just because you kept your pregnancy a secret at first doesn’t mean you must also hide your loss from those whom can pray for you and provide support.
With love,
Elaine
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Thank you for this.
My husband and I had been trying since we got married, it was hard to see friends and family announce pregnancys and births but after two years we were finally able to concieve. We couldn’t believe it we were so excited it was something we had waited for for so long we immediately told our families and since we couldn’t contain ourselves we shared the news with our friends on fb. A week later I started bleeding, went to the hospital and they treated me so cold and harsh, they just told me that I was not pregnant, and that was all. We were in shock and extremely devastated. I felt a terrible loss, I never got to see the baby in a ultrasound or hear the heartbeat, but yet I felt like a part of me was missing we didn’t know how to say I had miscarried so we just started ignoring the questions of how was the pregnancy, until it was unbearable and we finally said we were no longer pregnant, and then came the questions of what happened? We had people close to us say well it wasn’t even really a pregnancy, I would become so angry, like if it wasn’t anything then why am I grieving why is there a hole in my heart. It’s such a mixture of emotions of constantly grieving last month was my due date I just stayed home and cried thinking how it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and have a precious little person in my arms instead of just carrying them in my heart.
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Hi,
I stumbled upon this today, and really needed to read this. I am going through something similar, and feel like I need to share my story with someone who can understand.
My story:
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since September of 2013. On May 10th, I took a test, and was thrilled when I saw the positive result. Like you expressed, we didn’t quite know how to react. We were filled with so many emotions. That was a Saturday. I had to go work an event, and somehow managed to keep my pregnancy a secret. By Monday, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I ended up telling my secret to a few coworkers. I went to the store Monday night to buy supplies to make our big announcement to our families. Late Monday night I started to cramp and bleed. It progressively got worse. My heart sank, and my husband tried to remain positive and hopeful. By morning, I knew I needed to go to the hospital. We only knew our precious little baby for 3 days before we lost it. I was close to 6 weeks pregnant.
Fast forward to September when I get a call from my sister… to tell me she’s pregnant. I had been making positive strides in overcoming my loss, and this news sent me in a tailspin. Although I was happy for her, I was filled with so many more powerful, negative emotions, anger and jealousy to name a few. Each milestone of her pregnancy brought my failures to the forefront. My husband and I didn’t get to experience any of the exciting parts of expecting your first child, but for those three blissful days, our baby was so loved.
My sister had her daughter yesterday. A beautiful and healthy baby girl. And I still can’t get pregnant. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. My faith hurts. And I’m lonely. To mention the pain I am going through would be to steal the joy from the rest of my family.
I’m lonely because so few people knew about our baby. We didn’t have the time to make an announcement. I often feel as though our families have forgotten. Or that it’s a taboo topic.
You’re right. The way society views miscarriage needs to change. Conversations need to happen. For me, the most important thing is having people remember. Remember that an important and precious life was lost. Remember that my husband and I are parents. To remember that we are still hurting.
Thank you for writing this post. It helps.
Cori
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[…] https://thecarolinafarmhouse.com/2014/09/02/why-i-regret-keeping-my-pregnancy-a-secret/ […]
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I was just browsing on Pinterest and came across your post. I’m not sure how long ago this was written, but want to let you know how amazing it was. I went through 2 miscarriages and am in the same mindset of feeling this weird need to not share with people. It was quite refreshing and comforting to hear another person in the same boat! Best of luck!
-Jackie
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Thank you so much for putting your heart out there. Unless you have been through it you just don’t understand, as with most tragedies. I was pregnant with our second child, 27 years ago. We heard the heart beat and could feel it move. I still remember my due date May 5. On my 4 month appointment we couldn’t find a heartbeat anymore. Devastated! I was admitted and a DNC was performed. I was the first of all of my friends that this had ever happened to. We didn’t have any social media to reach out to for help. I bought a book from a christian bookstore that gave some answers. My sister-in-law had a 4 month old baby, which made things even harder. Through the healing process I learned that others had had a similar experience, but didn’t talk about. I’m so glad we have social media for blogs like this.
Prayers and Blessing to you,
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This really hit me…i guess i have to start from the beginning. Me and my boyfriend decided to be celibate.and for 5years we remained that way.we got married october 24,2015 so very recently. I found out i was pregnant 3 weeks later we were so happy the dr said our due date was july 14 which is my husbands bday and my dad which passed away when i was a child.it felt so god given and we felt so blessed.7 weeks in they said no heartbeat and that i would miscarry.weeks went by and nothing happened except my gestational sack kept growing so my belly was growing at this point i wanted to freak out but i told myself no tht will do me no good i need to give all my sadness away and leave it in gods hands . Christmas passes which didnt feel so merry. Another week goes by my gestational sac is at 11.5 and they decide to give me a d&c on monday.the sat before my d&c i feel like i went into labor and i was being stabbed i thought ok this is it in going to finally miscarry i sit on the toilet and i start bleeding then start throwing up then i stand up and as soon as that happened a rush of blood came out and wouldn’t stop.i yelled for my mom in the other room and she called my husband to tske me to emergency i never stopped bleeding amd felt like i was going to die.they performed an emergency d&c.tht was 2 weeks ago and still feel horrible.wjen they told me i would miscarry i thought i handled it good and gave it to god.but going through that ordeal makes me hurt and sad and mad and i dont know how to feel.im glad im not the only one out here
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Your story made me cry. I’m so sorry for your loss. And at the same time, so touched by what you said. I think it’s completely true. A life is a life at the moment of conception and we should celebrate it since the very beginning.
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This was a great read. I just found out I am pregnant with my third on mothers day! I want to scream it to the world while my husband wants to keep it hush hush. I am trying to convince him otherwise! May God bless you in all you do! xo’s
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Thank you for sharing this. I agree with all that you have said. When we were expecting our 3rd, we were ecstatic. But after just 10 days of knowing about the new pregnancy, I miscarried. My heart was broken. The grief is real, and is such a roller coaster. It was so hard to tell everyone. It was hard for me to have to say it out loud to people, but at the same time i was appreciative of what love and support I was shown. One friend brought us dinner. Another friend brought me movies and peanut brittle. Another friend brought me chocolate and flowers. All very kind gestures. So in that regard I was gladbi didn’t keep it a secret. Suffering alone is a lot harder
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Thank you for sharing your story. I was in the same situation. First baby and I had an EP. It has been hard. But I have a wonderful support system getting me through this difficult time. My husband and I did promise the next pregnancy we will wait abit longer to tell the news. My God be with you and bless you with a child.
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